The Secret's In The Telling
by Carly-M
Summary: Shirley's pregnant, Troy's struggling with secret knowledge, Jeff & Annie become the scapegoats.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** The Secret's In The Telling  
**Author:** Carly  
**Character(s)/Pairing(s):** Study group, Jeff/Annie, slight Troy/Britta  
**Spoilers:** General S2 & an upcoming guest star  
**Rating/Warnings:** PG**  
****Disclaimer:** I don't own Community.  
**Summary:** Shirley's pregnant, Troy's struggling with secret knowledge, Jeff & Annie become the scapegoats.

* * *

"Welcome back, Greendale students!" The group winced as Dean Pelton's excitable voice boomed through the study room speakers. "I certainly hope you enjoyed your winter break and are ready for a fun, challenging new semester."

Jeff frowned. "Is he still talking about Greendale?"

"Just a short health and safety note to kick off the morning," continued the Dean. "Our janitor recently discovered a monkey-sized squirrel in the air vents, so the heating will be turned off until further notice. To combat this we would like to give you free hot chocolate... but unfortunately we're all out. Have a great day!"

"Definitely still Greendale," said Britta, wrapping her knitted scarf tighter around her neck. "I hope the heat gets switched on again soon, I'm freezing."

"Well maybe you should invest in a proper jacket and not one that makes people constantly wonder where your motorbike is," replied Annie.

"Thanks for the fashion advice, Stay Puft, but I think I'll be OK."

Annie attempted to cross her arms over the mountain of clothing swaddling her. "It's not my fault I have to wear five layers at once. The heating's out in my building as well and every time I ask the landlord about it he just keeps offering to share a Snuggie with me."

"I could go a Snuggie right now," said Troy, shivering in his seat. "They're just like wearing one of your mom's hugs – if your mom was made out of blankets."

"You people need to stop your complaining," Pierce said, taking a swig of coffee. "It's not even that cold. Just wait until your junk starts to shrivel, then you'll really know."

Jeff nodded. "I hear that's how Punxsutawney Phil makes his predictions these days."

"You can't feel the cold because you're still hopped up on your pain meds," Troy accused his housemate. "The doctor told you to stop taking them last week when you got your casts off."

"Pierce!" gasped Britta. "You give me your pills right now."

"Why, so you can snake them?" Pierce laughed. "I don't drink so."

Troy shared a look with Britta. "That's the side effects kicking in," he stage-whispered. "Last night while we were watching TV he told me to pass him the goat so he could change camels."

"You and I are going to fix this," Britta whispered back determinedly, getting a thumbs-up from Troy.

Abed followed their conversation like a tennis match. "New year, new Greendale parents," he noted under his breath. "Interesting..."

"Shirley you've been quiet," said Annie kindly. "Is everything OK?"

"What are you insinuating?" said Shirley, giving her a sidelong glance. "That I'm usually some kind of loud, irritating blabbermouth? Is that what you're saying?"

The smile slid off Annie's face as the rest of the group looked on in surprise. "I would never say that! I was just worried. You mentioned in your last email that you were going to show your husband around campus today so I thought you'd be more excited."

"He didn't bail on you did he?" asked Britta sympathetically.

"No, he did not _bail_ on me," Shirley replied. "Elijah forgot his lunch so he was dropping it off at school."

Britta's cheeks flushed. "I didn't mean bail like he bailed on you the first time around with the stripper," she stammered. "I just meant bail like... ordinary bail."

"Would you like another shovel?" asked Jeff. "Or have you dug far enough?"

Abed flipped through one of his notebooks until he reached the page he was after, studying it in confusion. He rummaged around in his bag for a packet of half-eaten raisinets and pushed them across to Shirley. "I'm sorry I don't have any of your usual candy with me but I hope these will do. It looks as though my calculations were off this month."

"Calculations?" said Shirley, making a face when she realized. "Are you still keeping those damn charts about our cycles?"

"Abed! We told you that was creepy," Annie said looking scandalized.

"Give me that notebook, Abed," Britta demanded.

"Don't do it!" Pierce yelped. "She'll take anything she can get her glands on."

"I'm only trying to help," Abed said in his usual calm manner. "Shirley has been uncharacteristically snappy today and I just assumed it was her time of the month, although there hasn't been any foot stomping or jaw clenching as yet." He looked over at his friend who was glowering at him. "OK, there's the jaw clenching."

"Can we stop getting specific about 'times of the month' now?" groaned Jeff. "TV has led me to believe all women like to frolic across beaches and play sport in white clothes, and I don't want to shatter that illusion any further."

"I'm lost," said Troy. "... Why does Britta need a shovel?"

"There is no time of the month!" Shirley exclaimed, startling everyone. "And there won't be until at least July!"

Annie's eyes widened. "Shirley are you saying..."

"I'm having a baby."

The group erupted into a chorus of congratulations and cheers. Annie leapt up and tried to hug Shirley, but her layers wouldn't let her manoeuvre properly and she settled for squeezing her friend's arm in excitement instead.

Britta rushed over to join the girls. "Wait, you said July. Does that mean you should have taken that pregnancy test when Annie lost her pen?"

Shirley nodded. "I ignored it when Abed mentioned the timing would have been off, but when it got to Christmas and I still hadn't," she shot a cursory glance at Jeff, "_frolicked across a beach_, I knew something was up."

Abed shut his notebook. "I definitely thought it was a Halloween baby."

Troy's eyes nearly bugged out of his head when the implication of Shirley's announcement came flooding back to him. He began to hyperventilate and tried fanning his face to calm down.

"Are you OK?" asked Pierce, narrowing his eyes. "Did you dip into my stash?"

"Oh no, I'm _fine_," Troy replied in a high-pitched voice. "_Super, super fine_.I'm just so happy about Shirley's news! A tiny study group baby, that's so dope!" The fanning became quicker as he trailed off into nervous laughter. "_So_ dope..."

"It's a bit disconcerting that Troy's behaving like the expectant mom instead of you," said Britta, gently putting her hand on Shirley's shoulder. "This _is_ good news isn't it?"

"It is, it definitely is," Shirley softly replied, brushing her hands over her stomach. "And I apologize for being snappy. It's just that some people don't quite see it as the blessing I do."

Annie perched on the arm of her chair. "Your husband didn't take the news well?"

Shirley traced over the raised snowflake shapes on her gloves. "My husband doesn't know yet." The group traded incredulous glances with one another while she kept her head bowed.

"Um, I may not be the best person to give marriage advice..." Jeff pondered on that thought. "Well, no, actually that's Pierce. But isn't this an important thing to share with your partner?"

"Is this going to take a classic soap opera turn where you reveal that the baby isn't your husband's?" queried Abed. "And that it's really your husband's brother's who has a sexy nature-sounding name like Ridge or Thorne?"

"Abed!" scolded Shirley, ignoring the strange squeal coming from Troy. "Need I remind you I am a Christian woman? You don't go around saying stuff like that to me, OK?"

"OK," Abed conceded. "But why doesn't he know yet?"

Shirley clasped her hands together tightly. "Because when we went to his sister's place for Christmas lunch he took one look at his newborn nephew crying and said, 'Thank the good Lord we're done with all of that'." She gave the group a watery smile. "Kinda took the joy away from telling him."

"Salsa," Pierce said kindly, patting Shirley on the arm.

"You'll have to break the news soon though won't you?" asked Annie. "I mean, you'll be showing soon right?"

"I know, and I will, but I have to pick the right time." She pointed around at everyone. "Promise me you won't breathe a word of this to him when he visits today."

They all promised, except for Troy who was off in his own little world. "Troy, do you promise?" repeated Shirley.

Troy snapped his head up and nodded mutely at her while Abed surveyed his friend. "There's something off here, like you're being twisted up inside. Did you eat a giant cookie again?"

"I wish," Troy winced.

"Hello again Greendalians!" The Dean's voice interrupted, cutting through the silence that had befallen them. "Just another reminder that our 'Families and Partners' Dance – or FAP Dance – is on tomorrow night in the cafeteria. It's a time for us to celebrate our return to school with the people in our lives that support us the most. Wives, husbands, children, special pets – bring them all along!" Shirley's lower lip trembled as the announcement resonated around her.

Jeff looked up at the speaker. "I don't think that acronym really has the family-friendly vibe he was aiming for somehow."

There was a knock on the glass door. Everyone turned around to see a tall, smiling man in a multi-colored patterned sweater grinning back at them. "Is there a deliciously hot woman by the name of Shirley in here?"

"Hello sweetie!" Shirley trilled, her demeanour doing a complete 180 from only moments before. "Come and sit down and I'll introduce you to everyone."

Britta wandered back to her spot and Annie leapt up from hers, offering it to the newcomer. "Here, have my chair so you can sit together. Togetherness is important," she added in a blatant fashion, moving her belongings to the empty spot near Jeff.

"_Thank you_, Annie," Shirley said through gritted teeth. Plastering on another smile she grabbed her husband's hand. "Study group, this is Andre."

"Hey guys," he waved with his free arm. "It's so great to finally meet you; Shirley talks about you all the time."

"And Andre this is Annie, Jeff, Britta, Abed, Troy and Pierce." Shirley took on a fond tone. "My little school family."

"Pierce is the creepy uncle," Jeff explained, ducking out the way when Pierce aimed a raisinet at his head.

"This is great," said Andre, looking around the room. "I can't wait to have a tour of the place. Is there really a guy with star-shaped sideburns?"

"And a top hat," said Abed. "Although I've heard rumours he did something drastic with his hair over the break, in which case we'll have to start calling him Felicity."

Andre nodded politely before turning back to his wife. "Sugar Bear you'll have to show me the place outside where that YouTube video of yours was filmed, too." He smiled at Troy. "You were awesome in that, man. My wife's lucky to have friends like you guys looking out for her."

Whimpering, Troy suddenly leapt out of his chair and flailed around like someone had just been chloroformed in front of him. "I can't take the secrecy anymore!" He clutched his head. "My brain's been wrinkled so many times it needs botox!"

Noting the way Shirley was currently staring death rays at Troy, Jeff raised his hand in an attempt to quieten him. "Troy, no one knows what you're talking about," he warned. "Just calm down and keep the crazy to yourself."

"I tried but I can't!" he choked out. "The secret is chomping its way through my body like Pacman. And now there's a baby involved..." Troy froze and clamped a hand over his mouth.

Shirley looked like she wanted to simultaneously crawl under a rock and find a jukebox big enough to body slam Troy into. Andre glanced at her. "Someone's having a baby?"

"Well, uh, you see..."

"Annie's pregnant!" Troy yelled, dramatically pointing across the room.

Annie's jaw nearly dropped to her feet. "What?"

"And Jeff's the father!" he added, panic still fuelling him.

"WHAT?" Jeff and Annie said in unison.

"Oh boy," muttered Britta.

"Are you insane?" said Annie, clutching her pencil so hard it nearly snapped.

Troy sank into his chair, curling his legs up to his chest. "I'm sorry! The words just came tumbling out before I could stop my mouth." He chanced a look at Jeff. "If you kill me I have reliable witnesses... and Pierce."

"Oh I can still..."

"Jeffrey," Shirley interrupted, "I would just like to offer my congratulations to you and Annie on your little bundle of joy." She gave him and Annie a pleading look. "It's a special, glorious time and you should be able to celebrate even if you're not ready to tell everyone just yet."

The study group waited anxiously as Jeff and Annie swapped glances with one another. Stifling a sigh, Jeff reached over and took Annie's hand, forcing himself to appear excited. "OK, it's true, we're knocked up. Hooray, awesome etcetera."

"Ugh, gross!" Annie screwed up her nose. "You make it sound like I'm some sort of farm animal." She pulled her arm away and daintily folded her hands in her lap. "We're _with child_."

"Oh yeah, that's _much_ better. I forgot it was being born in the 50s."

Andre got up and went over to shake Jeff's hand and then Annie's. "Congratulations you two, that is wonderful news. You're definitely in for a wild ride." He went back to his spot and put his arm around Shirley. "If you want some horror stories about messy diapers and sleepless nights, though, we got that covered too!" he chuckled heartily, missing the anguished look that flickered across his wife's face.

Annie took pity on her friend. "Oh I don't know, I think babies are pretty cute." She patted her stomach. "This one's been kicking around like a little bunny!"

"By the size of you it looks like you're on your way to having twenty bunnies," said Britta with a smirk.

"Well then maybe Aunty Britta can buy them all inappropriate leather jackets?" retorted Annie, adjusting her clothes.

Troy cleared his throat. "I just want to know... am I still being murdered or are we cool?"

"You're safe – for now anyway." Jeff leaned forward. "But this news doesn't leave the room, OK? No one else needs to know our business and in the future we'll know never to trust Troy with important information ever again. Alright?"

Everyone nodded just as the Dean's voice filtered through the speakers once more. "Wow, I should really buy this PA system a drink; we are getting to know one another _very _well this morning! Just a minor tweak on my last announcement – I've since been advised that the shortened version of the 'Families and Partners' Dance isn't really appropriate so we've decided to go with the 'Winter Wiggler' instead." There was a shuffling of paper. "Oh my, and in other news hot off the Twitter press it seems a big congratulations needs to go out to Jeff Winger and Annie Edison who have a bun in the oven! With his forehead and her eyes they are on their way to one adorable little bush baby..."

All the color drained from Jeff and Annie's faces, while Pierce unsubtly tucked his phone away in his shirt pocket.

Abed framed the startled duo between his fingers like a camera lens. "And... commercial break."

_Continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

Troy waited until Shirley and Andre had left the room to begin their campus tour before making eye contact with his two very disgruntled friends down the other end of the table. "Can I just say again how-"

Jeff silenced him with one swift hand movement. "If the next word out of your mouth is 'sorry' I'm going to get Pierce's phone and shove it so far up your ass you'll never enjoy butt stuff again."

Troy shrank into his chair while Pierce scoffed. "You're not going anywhere near my cone."

"Oh aren't I?" Jeff replied in an eerily calm voice. "Well guess what Dr Seuss, you won't be using your 'cone' for calls unless you plan to make them from Troy's-"

"Jeff! Acting like a twelve-year-old isn't helping," said Annie. "We just need to take a few deep breaths and center ourselves so we can work this out."

"Yeah, I'm sure some Lamaze breathing is just what you need right now," quipped Britta.

"It's not Lamaze it's something I learnt in my relaxation course, Britta, and it makes me _extremely tranquil_," Annie snapped.

"Clearly."

Abed raised his hand. "Can I step in to move things along? I have a class to get to."

"Go for it," said Jeff, rubbing a painful spot above his eyebrow.

"Troy, why did you have a meltdown and nearly blurt out Shirley's secret when she specifically asked you not to?"

"I don't know," Troy mumbled. "Maybe I thought it was opposite day or something."

"Oh good, then I won't have to kill you," said Jeff.

"Really?"

"I don't know," Jeff shrugged. "Maybe I think it's opposite day too."

Britta sighed. "And I think it's 'shut your yap and let Abed get on with the questioning' day."

"That's not until August 5th, but that's OK," Abed replied, focusing back on Troy. "You also mentioned something about a secret eating you up inside and then made reference to the baby like they were two separate, yet equally shocking secrets."

Troy felt everyone's eyes upon him. "I did?" He fidgeted around. "You know me; I say a lot of stupid things. Like when I was five I told my cousin to sit on a rainbow because I thought Skittles would pop out." He winced at the memory. "She sat on me instead."

"No one is asking the most important question," said Annie, crossing her arms. "Why did I have to be the pregnant one? You couldn't have chosen Britta?"

"Yeah, why didn't you choose me?" Britta said, narrowing her eyes. "I have a fully functioning uterus – why do you people still not think I'm feminine enough?"

"It had nothing to do with your girl bits!" Troy gestured across the table. "I just panicked and Annie was right in front of me."

"Why'd you have to drag me into it then?" said Jeff.

"Because I didn't want Annie to be a single mom."

"Aww," smiled Annie, stopping abruptly when she realized it made no sense.

"You needed a fake dad for the fake baby?" Jeff slowly drawled out.

"She shouldn't have to raise it alone." Troy hugged his arms around himself. "Every baby should know who its daddy is, no matter what. Even if the daddy isn't ready for it. Or if the daddy just happens to be a scary, mentally unstable dude."

"Mentally unstable?" said Jeff. "Gee, thanks."

Troy looked uncomfortable. "Yeah... those words I said were definitely meant for you."

"That's a lot of detail for something you just blurted out on the spot, Troy," said Annie.

"Well... Pierce is the one with the Twitter addiction! Let's all stare at him like he just kicked some puppies!"

"That's true," said Abed. "Pierce, why did you turn this into a Katherine Heigl rom-com where the uptight female character has to learn to co-exist with the male jackass character? We already had enough plot points to work with."

"Hey! Do uptight people ace their relaxation courses? I don't think so," Annie finished proudly.

"Why don't you just wear a 'Frankie says relax' t-shirt to really drive the point home?" Jeff muttered.

"Why don't _you_?"

"Do uptight people understand jokes?"

"Hey, Heigl and jackass guy, shut up," said Britta, unravelling her scarf. "Pierce, what's with the Twittering?"

Pierce shrugged. "I was just taking the pressure off Shirley since her husband was being such a big stick about everything."

"That's actually kind of nice... in a weird Pierce way."

"It doesn't change the fact that everyone at school now thinks I'm pregnant!" Annie unbuttoned her top coat and loosened the one underneath. "What am I going to do?"

"You could start by leaving your layers on," suggested Abed, looking down at his phone. "Pierce also mentioned on Twitter that you're a 'five-month fatty'."

"Pierce!" gasped Annie. "I can't keep my layers on all day, I'm already sweltering... Hang on, why does it suddenly feel like an oven in here?"

"I guess they solved their animal problem quicker than they thought and put the heating back on," said Britta.

"Or they're just trying to burn the monkey-squirrel alive," added Jeff.

"That's awful! I'm going to the Dean's office right now to check." Britta stood up and gathered her books.

"Me too!" said Troy, grabbing his backpack and rushing towards the door.

Jeff raised his eyebrow. "Um, hello, what about this pregnancy scandal you landed us in?"

"Can't you two just play along with it for one day?" said Britta, joining Troy at the entrance. "Shirley's husband is only going to be around for a little while and then we can just tell everyone that you were playing a part in one of Abed's movies or something."

Troy nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, what she said!"

"What the heck am I going to do about being a 'five month fatty'?" said Annie, casting a withering look Pierce's way. "How big is that anyway?"

"I think I have a solution," said Abed. "But I really need to get to class first so just keep your layers on for a while longer."

Troy impatiently tugged on Britta's arm. "Come on, let's go rescue the hamster monkey thing before it's toast."

"I thought you hated things that look like rodents?" said Britta, following Troy out the door. "That's really sweet that you want to make sure it's OK. You know what; you should really come and meet my cat one day. He's from a rescue shelter, I think you'd-"

Troy checked that the coast was clear and hauled Britta around the corner.

"Hey! What are you doing?"

"The Joan of Noah's Ark crusade can wait – I need to tell you something important. Something of the brain-blowing variety."

* * *

Annie watched as Abed left to go to class. Pierce quickly shuffled after him, muttering something about taking a squeak in the men's room. She looked at Jeff who was still trying to massage away what she assumed was a stress headache behind his eye. "We need to formulate a plan."

"Huh?"

"Get our stories straight," she added in a 'duh' tone. "We need to be ready for when people inevitably start asking us questions."

"Like what? The name of the doctor's receptionist at the ultrasound clinic?"

"Exactly!"

"Annie, no one is going to ask us that because people aren't insane."

"OK, maybe not that question exactly, but they're going to want to know some details." She opened up a fresh page in her notebook and picked up a pen. "Like how it happened."

Jeff smirked. "Well I'm assuming we had sex. Unless you still believe in the stork, in which case we're having a Cabbage Patch baby."

"I didn't mean the _sex_ part," she said in an almost-whisper. "I meant how we hypothetically got together and decided to make a baby."

"I don't know," he sighed. "Maybe it just happened."

"I can't just have an accidental baby! I wasn't co-coordinator of the STD fair for nothing!"

"Hang on; turn the dial down on the freak-out meter for a second. Maybe it did 'just happen', but that was OK because it was a happy accident and we're totally cool with it."

Annie got a dreamy look in her eyes and stared off into the distance. "Yeah! And you were especially happy because you thought you'd never have children and now you're going to have a little boy to take to all the football games." She sighed happily. "Little Jack Winger hanging out with his dad."

"Little Jack Winger?" Jeff repeated. "He sounds like he's out of a nursery rhyme."

"Or y'know, whatever," said Annie, snapping out of her trance. She brushed some hair behind her ear and quickly scribbled down some notes. "Um... so we better get to class as well."

"What? You don't want to plan out the first five years of Little Jack Winger's life while we're here?" Jeff teased. "Maybe warning him about the dangers of climbing hills with girls named Jill? Or giving him an alibi when Humpty gets pushed off the wall?"

Annie ignored him and packed up her stuff. "I'll meet you in the cafeteria at lunch. Remember to keep the story straight."

"You do realise this whole thing is ridiculous – and that's saying something considering everything Greendale has put upon us so far."

"I know, but it's for Shirley. Just remember that."

* * *

Britta sat dazedly on a bench in the hallway while Troy stared at her. "Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew..." she groaned. "Did I mention ew?"

"You did. You sound like the world's worst alarm clock." He stopped pacing and sat down next to her. "So... what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know I-" Britta screwed up her face. "Hang on, why did Chang call you?"

"Thank you!" said Troy. "I knew that was messed up."

"If he had to call anyone in our little group you think it would have been Jeff. Or even Abed. Aren't they Netflix buddies?"

"Yep. Or like, if you really had to tell someone about it why would you think, 'Hey, I'll call that guy who used to be in my fake Spanish class that I danced inappropriately with at a Valentine's Day dance once'."

Britta opened her mouth to add something then swapped a guilty glance with Troy. "Not that finding out why Chang called you is even remotely the point at the moment."

Troy looked sheepish. "Right, we gotta concentrate on Shirley and the possible Chang-by she's carrying."

"Ew, ew, ew, ew..."

"You're not helping."

"I know it's just..."

"Extremely ew."

"Yeah."

"So will you help me out with Chang?" asked Troy. "Because he kind of scares me and this is some major news we're going to be slapping on him."

Britta grabbed Troy's arm. "I don't think we can just flat out tell him about it. We need to be smart. Hatch a scheme."

"Hatch a scheme? You've been spending way too much time with Jeff."

"Do you want to go back to flailing around the room like a little girl every time you're near Shirley?"

Troy put on his best listening face. "Tell me more about this scheme hatching."

* * *

Jeff made a beeline for Annie in the cafeteria, trying to brush off the fact that it felt like the entire college population was whispering about him. He plonked down next to her with his lunch, noticing that her grim expression matched his. "So that was pretty much the most torturous two hours of my life – and I've had the misfortune of seeing Burlesque."

Annie picked at her salad. "I felt like a zoo animal. Everyone just kept staring at me. And I kept getting hounded by SMOG."

"By grey air pollution?"

"No, SMOG. The 'Single Mothers of Greendale' group. Joanna from our Anthropology class is one of the co-founders and she kept telling me that I can join their circle any time you decide to dump me."

Jeff took a sip of his water. "Gee, nice to know people have faith in me."

"Well to play devil's advocate, you aren't exactly known for your long relationships are you? Maybe you'll decide that being tied down with a kid isn't your thing and I will need SMOG." Annie continued before he could speak. "And I know I'm talking about this as though it's real but it's hard to snap out of when people have been asking me questions all through class – even the teacher."

"OK, well, continuing on with the theme. If we were actually pregnant I wouldn't just up and leave you and the kid. I'm not some deadbeat douche – I saw enough of them when I was a lawyer." He stole some carrot sticks from her plate. "Little Jack Winger isn't going to be stuck going to football games with his mom. That'd be lame."

Annie smiled at him. "That's good to know." She went to stab at some lettuce when she noticed people heading towards them. "Oh crap, here comes Shirley and Andre. What do we do?"

"Um..." Jeff froze before deciding to drape one arm around Annie's shoulder and settling his other hand on her stomach.

"What are you doing?" she whispered.

"I dunno, feeling it kick or something? Look excited, here they come."

"Hello you two," Shirley sang out, taking a seat across from them with her husband. "How has your day been so far? Not too stressful I hope?" she added with a slight hint of guilt.

"Stressful?" Jeff laughed. "No way! Just feeling the little critter kick around." He glanced at Annie. "He's lively today isn't he... Muffin... toes."

Annie choked back a giggle. "He sure is... Schmoopy-butt."

"Oh... That's nice," Shirley said warily, taking some money out of her purse. "Sweetie, can you please go and get some coffees for us?"

"OK, back soon," said Andre, giving Jeff and Annie a wink.

Shirley leant forward conspiratorially when the coast was clear. "How have you two really been? I'm so sorry to put this upon you but when Troy let loose with that baby comment I-"

"Shirley, it's OK, really," said Annie. "I mean some people are being a bit obnoxious about it but it's nothing we can't handle."

"Oh good, I thought you didn't know about Leonard's betting ring." Shirley clutched her hand to her chest. "I mean I know we're supposed to respect our elders, but that man should not be taking money to see how long you two are going to last together."

"Leonard _what now_?" fumed Jeff.

"... Nothing. Forget I said anything."

"I swear, if he wasn't one thousand years old I would..."

"Hey Sugar Bear," said Andre, slipping back in next to Shirley. "The line's a bit long so I thought I'd try again in ten minutes." He smiled at everyone. "What were you guys talking about?"

"Baby stuff," Annie blurted out. "Weren't we, Cupcake."

Jeff continued eating his sandwich until he felt a jab in his ribs. "Oh, that's me, right. Uh, yeah, we were just getting some advice from Shirley about cribs and formula and other baby-type things." He gave an exaggerated grin to Annie. "Isn't that right, _Turtledove_?" Her lips twitched and he could practically hear her saying 'game on' in her mind.

"Sorry to keep going on about it, we're just so thrilled!" Annie linked her arm through Jeff's. "I keep saying to this one, 'I know it's good to finally be able to talk about the baby, _Snuggle Pie_, but there are other topics'."

"You're always right... Princess Peach."

Andre laughed and held onto Shirley's hand. "You two sound like us when we were first married. I think I called Shirley every food related name under the sun."

"I tried clam-ass once," said Jeff. "She didn't really go for it." He picked up his drink. "So Andre, has Shirley finished up the tour yet? I'm sure you've probably seen all the sights this place has to offer."

"Almost. I'm coming back tomorrow night for that dance that was announced earlier."

"Oh... that'll be good," said Annie, unconsciously tugging at her clothing layers.

"And I haven't said anything to Sugar Bear about this yet, but I was thinking about signing up for a short course this semester."

"You what now?" said Shirley, looking as dubious as Jeff and Annie.

"Yeah! You've really sold me on this place, and now I might get to spend even more time with you and your friends." He pointed over at the coffee station. "It looks like it's cleared up, I'll try it again."

Jeff and Annie could almost feel the waves of apologies radiating off Shirley as her husband went to fetch their drinks. "Shirley I know this is a really difficult time for you," said Annie, "but-"

"You need to tell him about your baby before this lie gets anymore out of hand," Jeff finished.

"Two weeks! You're on, Starburns!" a voice cried out behind them.

"Or before I add Leonard to my list of people to murder."

_Continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** I just want to say a big thank you to everyone that has left a review for this story. You're all ace, and I really appreciate it.

* * *

Britta and Troy attempted to look casual as they leant against the barre in the empty dance studio, waiting for two o'clock to roll around.

"Did this plan really have to involve spandex?" said Troy, snapping at his elastic waistband. "Pierce got me addicted to Christmas cookies over the break and they went straight to my thighs."

"Your thighs are fine, drama queen," replied Britta, checking her watch. "I don't know why you're grumbling so much – you're the one who already had the dance gear in your bag, along with a spare for me."

"Not that it's any of your business but me and Abed were gonna dress up like ninjas tonight and play pranks on the security guards. So tell that to your judge-y face."

"And ninjas don't worry about their thighs?"

"Britta, they're _ninjas_. Their only worry is, 'Have I sharpened my ninja stars today?'"

"Well then pretend you're a ninja dancer."

"Now you're just being ridiculous."

"Yeah, because _that's_ the most absurd idea anyone's had today." She took another peek at her watch. "Ugh, come on already."

Troy lifted her wrist to see the time for himself. "Do you think Chang will even show up?"

"He better. I sent him a message."

"That sounds so badass," Troy grinned, lowering his voice. "_I sent him a message_."

Britta smiled and rolled her eyes. "You make it sound like I put a horse head in his bed instead of sending a text."

"It's still kinda badass." He scuffed the ground with the toe of his sneaker. "Thanks again for helping me out. I really needed a girl's vibe on all of this and you've been pretty cool about it."

"What are friends for, huh?" she shrugged, but couldn't help looking pleased.

They both jumped when the doors to the main entrance suddenly swung open and Chang strutted in looking like a reject from a Step Up movie. "Move aside, people, El Tigre's here to rock the house and pop some booties." He stared at Britta and Troy in confusion. "Where's the rest of the class? How am I supposed to be a guest teacher for Breakdancing 101 with only you two losers here?"

"There may have been a slight exaggeration on my behalf when I sent you that text earlier," said Britta, cautiously inching towards him with Troy hovering behind her.

Chang stuck his hands on his hips. "Are you telling me you got me here under false pretences?"

"Not completely false... I mean, there is no Breakdancing 101 class. But Troy and I still need your dancing expertise for a project." She jabbed Troy in the chest with her elbow. "Don't we."

"We sure do," said Troy, faltering under Chang's intense gaze. "Please don't kill us; I've already had enough death threats today."

"You've got five seconds to explain everything to me before I bite your heads off." He clicked an imaginary stopwatch. "Go."

"We want to put together a dance for Pierce that will make him understand that taking too many painkillers is wrong," Britta said in a rush.

"Bored now," Chang sneered.

"And we came to you because your dancing skills are crazy mad. Like Richard Simmons mad," added Troy.

"OK now I'm feeling bored _and_ violated from all the ass-kissing. Adios."

Britta raced in front of him before he could walk out. "If you do this for us we'll talk to Jeff about letting you in the group."

Chang eyed her up suspiciously. "You swear?"

"I swear."

"Where does it sit on the scale of swear to Quentin Tarantino movie swear?"

"Ultimate swearsies. Promise."

Breaking out into a grin, Chang swung his arm around Britta's shoulders. "Well alright then! Let's get this party started. I'll choose some tunes for the warm-up." He pointed at Troy. "You better keep up, thunder thighs."

Troy tried to tug his shirt down over his legs while Chang sauntered over to the CD player in the corner. "He is making it _very_ difficult for me to want to keep helping him."

"I know, but just remember it's all for Shirley," whispered Britta as she walked with Troy back to the barre. "Now we've got him here we can begin phase two."

* * *

Jeff and Annie sat on a bench in the storage room where Abed had asked to meet them after lunch. Pierce was sitting near the window trying to access photos of his 'big-boobed neighbor' that he took on his new iPhone. Annie could see Jeff was getting more and more agitated as the seconds wore on.

"Whoops, too far," said Pierce, using his finger to scroll back. "There it... oh, hang on." He tried to scroll forward in slow motion, looking perplexed. "How did I just enlarge that? If I wanted to make something bigger it wouldn't be her kneecap."

"How the hell can you make moronic Twitter updates if you can't even show us a damn photo?" Jeff snapped, earning a sour look from the old man.

"I don't even want to look at those pictures," added Annie. "I see enough of that vulgarness thanks to the pornography store across the road from my building."

Jeff raised his eyebrows. "Remind me to visit you more often."

"Ew."

"Why are you even here anyway, Pierce?" Jeff asked, leaning back and crossing his arms behind his head. "Abed only needed to see me and Annie. Go out and take some more photos – it's a perfect day for a restraining order."

"I was there when you got the text from Abed so I'm included," said Pierce childishly. He put his phone down and took his pill bottle out of his pocket.

Annie watched as he gulped down a couple of pink tablets. "Pierce you need to stop taking them before you get even more out of hand. Trust me."

"Oh don't you start, Bambi. I know what I'm doing."

Annie was about to try another appeal when Abed slipped into the room, quickly shutting the door behind him.

"What's Pierce doing here?" said Abed, dumping a duffel bag on the ground.

"Don't ask," said Jeff, watching as Abed lifted what appeared to be a large flesh-colored cushion out of the bag. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Yep. One fake pregnancy belly courtesy of the drama department."

Annie took it from him and held it up to herself. "This is kind of creepy. And heavy." She suddenly squealed and dropped the padding to the ground. "It moved!"

"What?" Jeff scoffed and went to pick it up, jerking his hand back when he felt something pulsate. "Holy crap you weren't kidding! Is there a family of rats in there?"

Abed leant down and dusted it off. "It's supposed to move. It's got a timer in there you can set at different intervals to simulate kicking. I set it to 'bladder buster'."

"Why on earth would someone want to do that?" said Jeff, warily poking at it.

"After everything Professor Garrity went through you should know the drama department are pretty hardcore method actors, Jeff."

"I really hope the truth comes out soon," said Annie, shoving the suit back into the bag. "I don't want to wear this thing for too long - especially at the dance. I'd back out of going but I want to be there in case Shirley needs us."

Jeff zipped the bag up and slung it over her shoulder. "Then just keep all your jackets on today and hopefully you'll only have to wear it for a little while tomorrow."

"And make sure you put some padding in your star," said Pierce, helpfully gesturing across the top of his chest.

* * *

Chang clapped in time with the music while he circled around Britta and Troy. "That's right. Feel the rhythm. Remember, you're not shaking it like a polaroid picture – you're shaking it like a pill bottle that rips people's _lives_ apart."

Britta stopped to catch her breath. "Do you think it's time for a break now?" she puffed.

"I do," Troy wheezed. "I lost feeling in my spine about ten minutes ago."

"Ugh, amateurs, the both of you." Chang paused the song. "Alright take cinco."

Britta gulped down water from her bottle and passed an extra one to Chang. "So, did you hear the news about Jeff and Annie today?"

"Who hasn't?" he said, taking a swig. "I knew something was up between those two. Always eye-sexing each other when they think no one's looking. They make me want to vomit."

"It's pretty cool they're having a baby, though, don't you think?" said Troy.

"No. Babies are disgusting." Chang adjusted the sweatband on his forehead. "The only thing those little poop-machines are good for are to use as babe-magnets to pick up chicks."

Britta and Troy swapped worried glances with one another. "They can be cute sometimes," urged Britta. "I've got a niece who sounds just like Elmo when you tickle her." Chang gave her a thumbs-down. "OK, not the best example. But just imagine if you had a kid one day – you could teach it to dance just like you're doing with us."

"And you could call it something awesome, like Mini-Chang," said Troy. "Or El... Simba."

"Look, you two might have babies on the brain – and good luck procreating a kid with tree thighs and a mannequin face – but I don't care. So let's have less talking and more locking." He un-paused the song and robot walked back to the center of the room.

"This is a nightmare," Britta mouthed at Troy.

Troy nodded. "What do we do now?"

"We've just got to keep trying," she muttered. "He has to at least see one good thing in fatherhood before we break the news to Shirley about the Halloween incident or she's going to have two useless potential dads on her hands."

"That was one seriously messed up party."

"Hurry up, dorks!" yelled Chang, doing his best Beyonce impersonation. "The ba-doink-a-doink in my butt won't be around forever. You need to be ready for this jelly!"

Britta shuddered. "This is one seriously messed up _school_."

* * *

The following night the cafeteria had been transformed into a cave of white and blue for the Winter Wiggler. The Dean had asked the origami club to construct as many paper snowflakes as they could and he'd hired a snow machine for the occasion. Unfortunately the fake snow was an added expense they couldn't afford so the janitor had stuffed it with shredded bits of paper and foam sourced from old dioramas as per the Dean's request.

The group hadn't seen much of each other during the day with only Annie having a class early in the morning and Abed one in the afternoon. Shirley and Andre kept an eye out for people as they arrived.

"We don't have to stay long, sweetie," Shirley said as her husband helped her out of her coat. "These dances are usually pretty non-eventful."

"Don't be silly, Sugar Bear. It's a night out and your sister's minding the kids until twelve – we should enjoy it while we can!" He gave her jacket to Garrett who was manning the coat room slash accounting classroom. "Isn't that your friend over there by the drinks?"

Shirley ducked her head when she saw Pierce accidentally drop his pig in a blanket into the punch bowl and look around to see who noticed. "Mmm-hmm, let's talk to him later."

* * *

Annie waited outside on the front steps for Jeff, blowing on her hands to keep warm. She jolted around uncomfortably every couple of minutes, wishing she could rip off her fake stomach and throw it in the trash.

"Evening Milady," said Jeff, strolling towards her with his hands in his pockets.

"You're late," scowled Annie. "We said eight and it's ten past."

"Wow, did Abed find some pretend pregnancy hormones in the drama department too?" He fell into step beside her as they walked through the building. "I _was_ here at eight but I couldn't find a car park. Who knew these crappy dances were so popular."

"I'm sorry," she sighed, itching her back. "It's just this padding is driving me crazy. And the sensor is horrible; it's making me feel nauseous."

"At least if you do yak everywhere it would look even more authentic."

Annie fixed him with a pointed glare. "And are you going to hold my hair back for me?"

"In this suit? I don't think so."

She swatted his arm. "I'm going to aim for you on purpose now."

They reached the cafeteria a few moments later. Jeff helped Annie shrug out of her bulky purple coat, unable to take his eyes off her stomach when she turned around.

"Woah," he breathed. "That's so real." He placed his free hand over the fabric of her dress, chuckling when he felt movement underneath.

Annie laughed nervously and tilted her head towards Garrett. "You should be used to it by now, _Pudding Pop_. And it's only going to get bigger!"

"Right, yeah, of course!" Jeff snapped out of it and handed Annie's coat to Garrett with a smirk. "Keep it safe for my Schnookie Snaps, won't you."

Garrett stared at him and threw the coat on an overflowing pile. "Your revolting pet names make me want to stab myself in the eye."

"Oooo-kay, you have a nice night too, Garrett!" Jeff put his hand on Annie's back and swiftly guided her into the party. "I'd suggest a drink but it looks like Pierce is slowly lacing it with puff pastry. I think I see some giant snowmen we can hide behind, though."

* * *

Britta and Troy hovered near the dance studio where Chang had instructed them to meet him for a pep talk before their routine.

"I hope you had your Wheaties this morning, Troy, because we've only got one chance left to convince Chang that babies aren't the devil reincarnated and it's going to take all the strength we can manage."

"I ate bran flakes because that's all Pierce had and I am regretting that for _many _reasons," Troy replied, sounding pained. "But I'm gonna Troy soldier on and get this thing done."

"Maybe don't refer to yourself as a Troy soldier again."

"I'm sorry, when you learn how to teleport on top of a train _then_ you can tell me what to do."

"What up, freaks!" Chang called out, doing a catwalk twirl in his white suit before standing next to them. "Don't let me dazzle you too much. Not everyone can be perfect like me."

"Is this part of the pep talk?" said Britta. "Because you should totally have a segment on Oprah."

"Yeah, funny, and you should have a segment on _shut your pie hole_."

Troy interrupted before things got too petty. "So listen, Britta and I were thinking that at the end of the routine we'd throw in a little freestyle for Annie and Jeff as like a big congrats."

"You know," said Britta, plastering on a wide smile, "for their baby, because it's a wonderful thing that's happening. Especially for Jeff because he's going to be a _father_."

"Smooth," Troy muttered under his breath.

Chang groaned. "God, enough of the baby talk already!"

"We're just excited," replied Britta. "We get to be Aunty Britta and Uncle Troy, but there's nothing like being the actual parents, wouldn't you say?"

"Quit it."

Troy took some paper out of his pocket. "I went on the internet and looked up a list of reasons why babies are awesome so I could read it to Jeff and Annie later. Do you want to hear some?" He ignored Chang warning him to stop. "Number one; newborn babies have a squishy bit on their head called a fontanelle, which weirdly enough is the name of my mom's hairdresser."

Chang balled his hands up into fists. "Put that list away right now..."

"Number two," Troy continued, resisting the urge to giggle. "Babies have..."

"That's enough!" screamed Chang, startling the both of them.

Troy put his arm across Britta as they backed away, thinking Chang was going to swing at them, but he just sagged into a pathetic ball on the floor and started to sniffle.

"Are you... crying?" said Britta, suddenly feeling awful.

Chang blew loudly into the handkerchief from his top pocket. "Why have you been torturing me with all this baby yammering?" he wailed. "Do you tag-team every infertile man and make them feel like dog crap on someone's shoe or am I just the chosen one?"

Troy's mouth gaped open. "Did he say what I think he just said?"

"He really did," said Britta in quiet amazement, clutching Troy's arm. "Holy crap he's shooting blanks." They leapt excitedly on the spot together while Chang wasn't looking, breaking apart when they heard him snivelling loudly into his hands. "Oh God, don't keep crying. We're sorry."

"There, there," Troy said uneasily, patting him on the back. "You're gonna be fine."

"You can still have kids one day," soothed Britta. "There's adoption and IVF... and I hear sea monkeys make pretty good companions."

Chang sniffed. "You think so?"

"I know so. And again, we're incredibly sorry about harassing you with baby stuff. I guess baby fever just overtook us!" she laughed awkwardly along with Troy.

Standing up, Chang straightened out his suit and stared at them until their stilted laughter faded out. "OK, let's forget this display of gross emotions ever happened and move on with our lives. Just one thing though," he pointed at them menacingly. "There's no problem with me loving the ladies if you get what I'm saying."

"We do," said Troy squeamishly.

"It may not be a long time but it's a damn good time. That's the El Tigre guarantee."

"And on that note we're going to head off to the dance," said Britta. "See ya!"

"That's right; it's nearly time for your performance. There's no room for a pep talk now but trust me, it was inspiring."

Troy froze. "We're still doing that?"

"Why wouldn't you still be doing that?"

"I don't know," he replied, sounding like he was on helium. "I cannot think of a single reason."

"I also cannot think of a reason," parroted Britta, her face paling.

"Well good luck," said Chang, "and don't embarrass me out there." He walked off.

"Don't embarrass _you_?" squeaked Troy. "I'm about to kill what little street cred I have left."

Britta linked her arm through his and urged him forward. "I knew this turned out way too easy. Who knows, maybe Pierce will appreciate our efforts?"

"You just keep dreaming the dream."

* * *

Jeff sat and half listened to Shirley, Abed and Pierce while keeping one eye on Annie, who was talking animatedly with Andre at the food table. She'd forgotten for a moment about the weird situation they were in and was excitedly informing him about all the short courses Greendale had to offer.

"... and then Troy was supposed to stay over so we could begin operation ninja," said Abed, sipping a can of soda, "but the ninja outfits he had were suspiciously sweaty, and nothing ruins stealthiness like the stench of B.O."

"So says the ninja's creed," Jeff quipped, tuning back into the conversation. "Listen, I might go and check if Annie has put Andre into a 'smile and nod' coma. She's got that crazed look in her eyes where she can talk about school until blood flows from your ears."

Jeff stood up and made his way over to the buffet, dodging Starburns who was showing off his newly shaved head to a group of people (but with sideburns still fully intact).

"The main lecturer I recommend you avoid is Professor Whitman," Annie advised Andre as Jeff sidled up to her. "Unless you're into throwing out your schedule and dancing in a fountain, which, gross, think of the bacteria festering in there."

"Hey, Jeff," said Andre, biting into a gingerbread man. "Annie's quite the Greendale encyclopaedia isn't she?"

"She sure is." He put his arm around Annie's shoulders. "How about we leave the nice man alone before he has to leave a trail of cookie crumbs for Shirley to rescue him?"

Andre shook his head. "No, no, I'm actually really interested. Maybe you can tell me more while we have a dance?" He pointed to her stomach. "I keep noticing you reacting to the little one kicking around – he must like the music."

Annie suddenly felt very self-conscious and surreptitiously fidgeted with the velcro secured around her back. "Well that's very sweet of you to offer, Andre, but..."

"I might take the first dance if that's OK?" Jeff smiled and grabbed Annie's hand.

"No problems, man, go for it," said Andre, ushering them forward. "I'll see if Shirley's up for a boogie. If we're lucky she may break out the 'go girl' dance."

Annie let Jeff lead her to a less crowded corner of the room where they slowly swayed together with their arms loosely wrapped around each other. She would have enjoyed the closeness except for the fact that she had to stop and carefully re-adjust her padding every few minutes.

"Did you keep it on 'bladder buster' or something?" Jeff asked, waiting for her to finish twitching. "I can feel the vibrations in my own stomach."

"No, I swear I put the timer closer to 'womb wobbles'." She took a few deep breaths. "Maybe we should sit down. I haven't felt this woozy since I went on the tea cup ride at Disneyland."

"You certainly know how to live life in the fast lane, don't you?" Jeff flinched as something hit the back of his head. "Ow! What the hell was that?"

"Karma?"

"I think it came out of the snow machine."

Annie stared at the object on the ground near Jeff's feet. "That's weird... it looks like one of those tiny cows with sunglasses I used for my diorama."

The music came to a sudden screechy end as the Dean took to the main platform in the middle of the room and battled with microphone interference. "Good Evening Greendale go-getters and assorted special guests. I just want to officially welcome you all to the Winter Wiggler and pass on a gentle reminder not to drink the punch until we resolve the floater problem." He gestured to his left. "We also have a special treat tonight. Two of our students, Britta Perry and Troy Barnes, have put together a dance number for one of their own that they hope you'll all enjoy."

Jeff and Annie exchanged baffled looks as they joined in with the muted applause and watched Britta practically shove Troy onto the platform.

"Hello everyone," Britta stammered into the microphone. "Um, so we just want to take a moment of your time to showcase a problem close to our hearts."

"If they start dancing to Ebony and Ivory I am out of here," Jeff murmured.

Annie nudged him in the ribs. "Shh."

Troy crouched down in front of Britta, staring up at the ceiling so he wouldn't have to see anyone laugh at him, while Britta made a circle above his head with her arms to portray a bottle lid. "This one's for you, Pierce," she gulped.

Pink's 'Just Like A Pill' (the T-Pain remix) had barely filtered through the speakers when Pierce loped towards them, waving his arms around.

"For the love of Buddha stop your damn fairy dancing right now!" he yelled.

"You're ruining the show, old man!" Chang screamed out from the sidelines as the Dean signalled for his secretary to stop the music.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," Troy mumbled under his breath, standing up next to Britta on the stage.

Pierce stared at them. "Have you two lost your damn minds?"

"Possibly," Britta replied. "But deep down we were actually trying to help. You need to stop taking that medication before something terrible happens."

"Yeah, like you grow even more back hair or something," suggested Troy.

"Shut up or I'll shut your butts up for you."

Abed stepped forward and threw a container towards Britta. "Is this what you're after?"

"Hey!" Pierce exclaimed. "You robbed me!"

"No I didn't. You dropped them when you power walked over here." He looked back towards Britta and Troy. "And your 'spontaneous' dance performance wasn't needed. Pierce hasn't been overdosing on medication – it's just candy."

"What?" Troy and Britta yelped.

Pierce tried lunging for the bottle. "Don't listen to him, he doesn't know anything."

"Classic deflection," said Abed in a sage tone. "I do know things, many things actually, and I definitely know when I have to scoop jelly beans up from a fallen pill container."

The rest of the study group joined them as Britta emptied a few 'pills' into the palm of her hand to inspect. "Jelly Belly cotton candy flavor. We've been duped." She gave Pierce a wounded look. "Why would you make us sick with worry like that?"

"I can probably fill the blanks here," said Abed when Pierce wouldn't acknowledge her. "When he had his casts on we all lavished extra attention on him, especially the mother hens of the group. Pierce resisted it at first, but then had a character breakthrough and realized he liked everyone fussing over him. When his casts were cut open so were his newfound bonds of friendship so he decided to keep using the pill bottle as a crutch and a cry for help."

"Is that overly detailed summary true, Pierce?" Shirley gently prodded.

Pierce shrugged. "I dunno."

"I'm still pretty mad at you but I have to give you props," said Troy, arms folded. "You kept up those rhyming words like no one's business."

"You didn't have to go to all that trouble," said Jeff. "We would have treated you exactly the same as we always have: like someone we only occasionally want to punch in the face."

"Thank you," Pierce said quietly. "That means a lot."

A slow clap started up from where the coffee station usually operated. The crowd parted and Chang ambled towards them with a sour expression on his face. "Congratulations, Bald Patch, you've successfully killed my awesome dance number and any self-respect you had left."

"Leave him alone," said Annie, trying to remain stoic under Chang's intense stare.

"Or what? You'll break your waters on me?"

"Keep padded-boobs out of this," said Pierce. "She's not even up the duff anyway. We made it all up."

The cafeteria fell silent as Pierce's confession echoed through the microphone. The study group wore matching sheepish expressions as all eyes fell on them.

"So, funny thing," said Jeff, clearing his throat. "Abed's filming this documentary and..."

"Boo!" a voice jeered from the back.

"You suck!" another called out.

"I don't understand what's happening at all," screeched Chang, stomping his feet around and having a massive tantrum.

"Now let's not get too carried away," said the Dean, trying to reclaim order.

A blond woman stormed towards them. "Why do you seven morons always have to wreck our dances with your dramas? Some of us just want to get drunk and hook up with our biology lab partners!"

The crowd cheered her on while Jeff exchanged looks with his friends. "Who the hell is that?"

"Yeah, some people might care but the rest of us don't!" called out a short man in a tuxedo t-shirt. "Enough with the, 'I love you, Jeff! No, I love you, Jeff! Ooh look, I've built a chair fort because I'm not a stupid Beastmaster, don't come near me! Boo-hoo!'"

People started to whistle and clap while shouting out their own insults. "Seriously," Jeff exhaled, huddling together with the group for safety. "What is going on? I have never seen half these people before in my life."

Andre shielded his wife from the screwed up paper snowflakes that had started being thrown their way. "What was that you said about these things being non-eventful?"

Evading the paper missiles, Jeff snatched the microphone from the Dean, who had collapsed into time hoodie mode, and tapped it loudly. "People, people, please calm down and just listen! Hey, come on, just hear me out!"

The room eventually quietened down until there was only the occasional mutter, much to Jeff's surprise. "Oh good, that worked. Um..." He floundered around before giving everyone a winning smile. "Here's the thing: can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like..." The crowd immediately started rioting again with their snowflake bombs. "Hey! That one wasn't made out of paper – I saw that Leonard!" He jumped down off the platform and took cover behind the fake belly that Annie had yanked out from under her dress.

Looking around at all the chaos that had unfolded, Shirley emerged from under her husband's protective embrace and took to the stage with her shoulders squared back. Taking a personal alarm out of her handbag, she held it up to the microphone and squeezed it so the shrill noise penetrated everyone's eardrums in the vicinity. When she was satisfied that all attention was on her, she put the alarm away and addressed the crowd. "That's better. Now I've got something to say to you all, and I don't care if it's ruining your dance, you're all going to play nice for a few minutes and listen to me."

"Now _that_ is badass," Troy whispered in awe.

Shirley dusted some paper off her shoulder and continued. "My study group should not be coming under attack tonight. Sure, we may do crazy and questionable things, but we do it for the most beautiful reason of all: friendship. And tonight they were being good friends to me, and I want to set the record straight." She turned to face her husband. "I'm the one who's pregnant. I know you might not want to hear that right now... In front of quite a lot of strangers now that I think about it... but it's true and we need to talk." She held her head high. "Thank you for your time."

The study group closed in around Shirley as she rejoined them. Andre kept moving his mouth in half-formed sentences but no sound was coming out. Shirley took a deep breath and stepped forward to hold his hand, leading him away from the mess of the cafeteria and out into the corridor.

"Just so everyone knows, I get to keep all the money," a voice said, filling the silence.

Jeff scowled. "Shut up, Leonard."

* * *

The group had taken refuge in the study room to wait for Shirley and examine their battle scars. Jeff checked his face in Annie's compact mirror. "Five paper cuts on the money maker."

"There's about ten on my arms," said Britta. "I look like I've just tried to give my cat a worming tablet."

"I think I have one on my butt," said Troy, wriggling around in his seat uncomfortably.

"I don't even want to know how that happened," sighed Annie, resting her head on the stomach padding like a pillow.

They all sat up straight, though, when Shirley and Andre walked into the room. Shirley looked tired but still had her hand firmly entwined with Andre's. "Thanks for waiting, everyone."

"How are you both?" said Annie hesitantly.

"Good," Shirley replied as Andre nodded along. "We've still got a lot of things to work out but at the end of the day this baby is going to be raised in a loving home with a mother _and_ a father."

"And I just want to add that I'm sorry all my issues ended up affecting everyone here," said Andre. "I didn't realise the hurt I was putting on this beautiful lady, and it speaks volumes about what good friends you are that you were willing to humiliate yourselves like that."

"If Greendale's taught us one thing it's how to butcher your ego," said Jeff. "I don't know about you guys, but I think I've had enough 'fun' today. I am out of here."

They all mumbled their agreeance and headed for the doors.

Abed fell into step with Troy. "Do you want to stay over tonight and watch movies?"

"You know it," said Troy, bumping his fist.

"Oh, by the way Jeff?" Britta said in a faux cheery manner.

"Yeah?"

"We have to think of a way to keep Chang out of the study group because Troy and I may have made an unfortunate mistake," she finished in a rush. "See you in the morning!"

* * *

Troy stood in Abed's dorm room wearing the fake pregnancy belly under his pyjamas. "How do I look?"

"Like that pregnant guy from People magazine."

"Eww... that is so cool"

"We should do a re-make of Arnold Schwarzenegger's 1994 film Junior. You can be Arnold because you look good in reading glasses."

"Thanks, man." Troy put his hands on his hips and swayed side to side before coming to a shocked standstill. "Abed, I'm trying really hard not to squeal right now but Annie's Boobs is totally sitting outside your window staring at us."

Abed slowly turned his head around to have a look. "It's the mysterious monkey-squirrel."

"I may cry, I'm just warning you."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" said Abed, reaching for his video camera.

"I think I am..." replied Troy, inching towards the door with his friend.

"Slow-mo reunion scene set to Chariots of Fire!" they yelled together, taking off down the hall.

_The end_


End file.
